Chasing Handy!
by Michael Williamson
Summary: D falls in love with his Left Hand. ***THIS IS HUMOR!!*** Oh, and this isn't yaoi! >_


Chasing Handy!  
By  
Michael P. Williamson, the monkey who masturbates when he's scared  
  
Author's Note: Umm... I don't know if you would really wanna read   
this, or not. It really is kind of disgusting. I mean...   
it's almost yaoi... Kind of... I mean... It's not, but it is!   
Read the description if you don't know what it is. It's not yaoi...   
Honestly! I hate yaoi, but... Listen, if you consider D falling   
love with his left hand yaoi, then you must be on drugs.   
  
D lay down on the couch it was very late at night. Almost   
one o'clock in the morning. The only person around was his hand.   
Ah yes... His dearly beloved hand lay there right beside him.   
Oh, how he longed to be with him... Wait! He WAS with him!   
God... I'm an idiot! Either that, or I just can't write good fan   
fiction. Well, any who! D lay there silent, as usual.   
He wanted to express his feelings toward his hand, but just... couldn't.  
He loved him with all his heart, but he knew that it COULDN'T happen...  
"Oh, how I love him... I once thought that Doris was the   
only one I'd ever love... But now... I've fallen in love again.   
Only this time, it's a love that will never happen..." D thought to   
himself. " I need rest." D thought no more, and fell asleep on   
the couch.  
  
  
**********The Next Morning.**********  
  
  
"D! D! Wake up, D!" Dan yelled in that girly little voice   
of his. Yes folks, I am a Dan basher!  
D yawned, and jumped up off the couch. He walked into the   
kitchen silent, as usual. He noticed his hand hadn't said anything,   
either. He took off his left glove, and saw his hand snoring.   
With a glove over him, he can't hear very well, I suppose...   
Hell, he has no ears! How CAN he hear?! Whoa... I never   
thought of that...  
But any who! D looked at his snoring hand, and smiled.   
He rarely smiled, but looking at his love always put a smile on his   
face. He shook his hand trying to wake him up. And, he woke up.   
Quickly, D whipped the smile off his face, and walked to the kitchen.  
"What was that for, you stupid brute! I was having a MARVELOUS  
dream!" D's hand said.  
"Good morning, D!" Doris yelled as D entered the kitchen.  
"Hey, Doris." D's hand said.  
"Oh... Hey, D's hand..." Doris said, turning away. As we   
all know, Doris is afraid of D's hand. I mean, wouldn't you be?!   
He's a scary guy! "D, do you want pancakes?"  
D walked to the table, and sat down in response. Doris had   
gotten used to the silence from D, so she fixed him a plate of   
pancakes, and set them down in front of him.  
D sat there eating his pancakes, and giving some to his hand   
every now and again. Suddenly, Dan walked in.  
"BROTHER D, BROTHER D! How are you this morning?   
Are you liking the pancakes?! Doris is a great cook, doncha think!?"   
Dan said in ever so annoying voice of his.  
D just sat there eating his food not answering Dan's questions.  
Besides, he was experienced. He didn't waste words. WAIT!   
Now I'm quoting Dan! NOOO!  
Dan just sat there with his head hanging low in disappointment.  
You'd think that the cock docker would have gotten used to D's silence   
by now, but he's an idiot.  
"Dan, would you like some pancakes, too?" Doris asked  
"No!" Dan whined  
"Come on! They'll make you grow big, and strong like D."   
Doris nearly begged.  
"Give me two plates full, please!!" Dan said holding his   
plate up to Doris.  
D quickly jumped up from his chair, and walked into the den   
of the small house.  
"HEY! I'm still hungry, you moron!" D's hand said  
"Go eat dirt." D said, trying not to give away his true   
feelings for his hand.  
"Go to Hell, you... person who should go to hell!"   
D's hand nearly yelled at him.  
D knew he was being insulted, but almost took it as he was   
being teased. It seamed as if the more his hand taunted him, the   
deeper he fell in love.   
D sat down on the couch and crossed his legs. He thought of   
his hand, and how much he loved him. His hand just sat there.   
D knew that his hand would never love him back, but he knew that   
he loved him, and that was all that mattered. Man... That was cheesy!  
"BROTHER D!!!" Dan came yelling into the room  
"..." D said  
"Brother D! Can I ask you something?" Dan asked looking   
down at his feet.  
D nodded his head.  
"Are... Are you... Are you in love with my sister?" Dan   
asked  
"NOOO!" D yelled and jumped up "HOW COME IN EVERY VAMPIRE   
HUNTER D FANFIC, I HAVE TO BE IN LOVE WITH DORIS!?!" D stormed out   
of the house in anger.  
"Where are we going, D?" D's hand said.  
"The inn." D replied  
"WHAT!? You're offered three meals a day and a FREE place to   
stay, and you're going to the INN!? Are you insane?" D's hand yelled.  
D just stormed to the inn in anger. He didn't want to be   
asked that question. The question about Doris, that is... Not the   
one about being insane... But any who!   
Truthfully, he was in love with both his hand, and Doris,   
and couldn't choose between the two. *Dramatic Music* PLOT TWIST!   
And, you thought he'd love his hand, and only his hand, huh?   
You idiot.  
  
  
*********At the Inn************  
  
  
"One room... Meals..." D said to the woman behind the   
counter  
"Are you some kind of fuckin' cave man?!"   
The woman--named Lollie--said  
"..." D said  
"Yeah, yeah. Here's the key to your room. Number 303."   
Lollie said.  
D walked up the stairs, and into his room. He took his   
left glove, his hat, and his coat off.  
"Thank the Lord! I thought I'd NEVER get oxygen in me again!"   
D's hand said rolling his little eyes.  
"You're lucky I let you out at all." D said walking   
over to the bed. "I'm taking a nap. When I wake up, we'll go   
eat supper."  
"We already missed lunch!" D's hand said as D lay down.  
D lay down on the bed, and smiled a warm smile.   
He soon fell asleep.  
  
  
**********Two hours later***********  
  
  
"D! D!!! Wake up, idiot!" D's hand yelled, slapping   
D vigorously.  
"What?" D said waking up, with a slight yawn.  
"Supper's almost ready." D's hand yelled.  
"Okay. I'll go get it." D said. He then left, and went   
downstairs to get their supper.  
"Whadya'want?!" Lollie said.  
"Our-- I mean my food." D said.  
"Yeah, yeah. Here ya' go." Lollie said handing D a tray   
with some runny mashed potatoes, a burnt steak, and some peas, which   
looked like they contained more water than peas in them.  
D walked back into his room, and once again put his tray on   
the table, took off his left glove, his hat, and his coat.  
"Ya' know, we could've gotten some GOOD food if we stayed with  
Doris, and Dan." D's hand complained.  
"Shut up." D said ramming a fork full of peas into his hand's  
mouth.  
"God... This sucks, D." D's hand said.  
D wanted to kiss his hand right then. It seemed as if every   
time he saw him, he wanted to embrace him even more. He wished   
that he could take his hands in his arms (I bet that'd hurt!), and tell  
him he loved him.  
"Deal with it. This is the best food we'll have for a while."  
D said eating a spoonful of peas.  
"I thought I'd never say this, but I wish I could have some of   
Doris's food right now!" D's hand said.  
"..." D said, or didn't say. Whatever. I always have a   
scene in my fanfics where I say that. I bet it's getting' old, now.  
  
  
********************The next morning.*******************  
  
  
"Wake up, Hand!" D yelled shaking his hand vigorously   
"D! I'm sleeping!" D's hand yelled.  
"Too bad. I've made a decision." D said looking down.  
"We're going back to Doris's house?" D's hand said hopefully.  
"Yes." D said  
"YES!!" D's hand yelled, and would have done an arm gesture   
if he had arms.  
D walked out of the hotel, keeping his keys. You never   
know. He might get angry again.  
  
  
***************At Doris's humble whorehouse of Vampire Hunters*************  
  
  
"We're back." D mumbled and sat on the couch.  
"BROTHER D! BROTHER D!" Dan yelled in excitement.  
"Go away!" D's Hand yelled.  
"Go to hell, Hand!" Dan yelled, pouting his little heart out.  
"Listen to the hand! He can be right sometimes!" D yelled,   
getting up in Dan's face.  
Dan ran of the room, crying.  
Doris had walked in, and heard all the mess.  
"Sorry, Doris." D said.  
"It's okay. Let the stupid cock docker cry." Doris shrugged.  
D chuckled a bit, and Doris gasped.  
"You laughed!?" Doris and D's Hand yelled at the same time.  
"..." D said, I guess. "Just because I don't talk much doesn't  
mean I can't laugh."  
"You have a point." Doris shrugged.  
There was silence for almost a half hour.  
"Let me tell you two something..." D nearly whispered.  
"What is it, D?" Hand and Doris asked.  
"Hand... Doris..." D said with a sigh. "I think we all need   
to have sex together."   
"WHAT!?" Bankey Edwards-- I mean Hand yelled.   
"What do you think about it, Hand?" D replied, with a large   
sigh.  
Hand sat there for a while. He sat in silence for about   
two minutes... "I guess..." He sighed.  
"What about you, Doris?" D asked, hopefully.  
Doris got up, and kissed D. "I love you. Always remember that."  
She slapped him. "BUT, I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING WHORE!" She picked   
up her purse and left.  
Hand walked into the other room, and D just sat there.  
  
  
*************One year later, at a comic convention.*****************  
  
  
D-with only his right hand left now-sat at a booth, signing   
his new comic books. He looked toward hid EX-Hand,   
(Who was at another booth, signing his own comics.) and gave him thumbs  
up, and was given thumbs up back.  
He walked over to Doris's booth, and threw a comic called   
"Chasing Handy".  
She flipped though the pages and said, "Sorry. This one's not   
mine." She went back to fiddling through her purse.  
"It's mine." D said.  
"It looks... really interesting. I'll read it." She said,   
nervously.  
D went back to his booth, and signed more comics.  
  
THE END!  
  
Author's notes: Er... Well, Vampire Hunter D is now Comic Book Writer D!   
  
I don't own Vampire Hunter D, Chasing Amy, or Dan. (Fortunately.)  
  
PLEASE R&R!! Even flames will be accepted, now! ^_^  



End file.
